Minecraft Parkour Civilisation: a model national socialist aristocracy?

Now yuo see...

This essay is a joke but nothing else came to my mind so enjoy Minecraft Parkour Civilisation viewed from the Right.

Always jump for the beef

I was sick with a rather minor cold and for 6 days barely left my house and bed. Out of boredom I decided to watch “Minecraft but I survive in PARKOUR CIVILISATION [FULL MOVIE]”. I had heard of it before but dismissed the recommendations as ironic jokes making fun of brainrot. Who could have expected that it was actually kino better than many modern movies. Not only that, it also contained a profound philosophical and, going downstream from that, political message. You might be laughing now, so let me explain. Firstly I need to disclose that this will contain spoilers for the 2 hour movie and if you don’t watch it before reading you may be missing out.

^ It’s kino. It really is.

The core element of the series is the division of society into castes based on how good they are at parkour. Noobs, Pros, Masters and the singular Champion. The story follows the main character’s struggle to rise from a noob to the top. On his way, he discovers that the system is actually rigged by those at the top in order to keep noobiggas down forever. In the end he defeats the bad guy behind this and makes the caste system fair. The small change he makes is simply giving everyone infinite attempts at rising to the top.

X intellectuals and marxism poisoned internet normgroids saw this and all their little brains could muster was “omg this is such a good critique of capitalism!!!!”. I’ve seen comments with thousands of likes that read “We need to abolish the upper class”. Makes me lose faith in humanity. I think a correct way to model the thinking of stupid people is that they have a couple of “themes” put into their heads by media and education and etc and they basically match their experiences to these themes without any reflection or nuance.

I believe that Minecraft Parkour Civilisation is actually one of the best defences of the caste system in recent years. And it was created by a random minecraft youtuber. Does Evbo hold these views himself? Probably not. Or maybe atleast not counsciously. Though he didn’t heart any anti-classist comments from what I’ve seen lol. During the making of Minecraft Parkour Civilisation he was possessed by an innate element of the human psyche that seeks to glorify excellence. Let me go into the plot and worldbuilding of the movie deeper.

To begin with, Parkour Civilisation is not a capitalist society. It is an anti-capitalist society. In no way is money used to decide your status. In fact there is no money at all. Everything, including bribes and tipping, is done with parkour. In the limited game mechanics of Minecraft “parkour” is a metaphor for widely understood excellence. Strenght, prowess, wisdom etc are all aspects of this excellence. Arete?. If there is a fair way to make a chierarchy, segregating people by their parkour skills is the way to go. Capitalism can only estimate this with varying success. There is no gold in Minecraft Parkour Civilisation, no cowardly merchant class. Going by the genetic theory of excellence there is only blood.

The higher castes by no means live an easier life. Looking objectively it's the opposite. Advancing in status means being faced with new levels of struggle symbolised by being forced to make longer parkour jumps to travel for example. If they fall they rank down. Parkour Masters are expected to *never* fail a jump. A noob simply couldn't survive there. It's almost Spartan. The parkour masters are the spartiate. The only real material benefit is having acces to higher quality food which allows one to make better jumps. This can be explained by scarcity, giving cooked pork to a noob would simply be a waste. Here it should be mentioned that pros only eat meat from animals that can do parkour beacuse they believe that it enhances their abilities. This reminds me of traditional European nobility.

The protagonist doesn't desire to become the “Parkour Champion” for material benefits. If he did, he would have turned around. It’s also not to lead a revolution of the lower classes, it’s shown several times that he sees the chierarchy as natural. If you remain a noob, that's your fault and it's no reason for pity. He does it to become the best, seemingly for no other reason than pursuing excellence and power. This feels similar to what I heard about good east asian shows like Dragon Ball or ancient Greek heroes.

Pros are the working class of Parkour Civilisation. Masters have the luxury to choose their jobs, but they still need to work. Only the noobs don't work, probably beacuse they will fuck anything up. It's actually very generous of the higher castes to keep noobs alive by giving them food. They are the real parasites. The only benefit they get from this is a safety net for themselves and the slight chance that some of the noobs have what it takes to rank up and haven't yet done so due to socioeconomic factors or something. Evbo actually shows that the fault for the noob’s situation is their own mentality, in the iconic “one block jump for chicken or the one block vertical jump for the beef”. You can eat chicken and get by. Beef gives you more food and thus more potential, but it also comes at a greater risk. No one chooses to jump for the beef.

When the protagonist finally becomes the champion, the simple change he makes is allowing everyone to respawn infinitely. You see, before if you failed a jump on the noob level you were sent to prison where you were forced to keep making jumps until the end of your sentence, to “repay your debt”. Pretty based actually. If you fell there you died. It's not known what happens to those who die in Parkour Civilisation, but it's implied that you leave the world forever. In addition near the end the previous champion - the bad guy - made it so no one could change their caste and began sorting people by a minimalist series of jumps when you first spawned. Fail on the first jump, you are sentenced to being a noob. Fail on the second, you are a pro. Pass the two, and you are a master. You can feel the conflict of pagan circular time and semitic linear time in this. Not to hate on my brothers in ideology but one of the reasons I cannot treat Christianity seriously is the concept of Hell. The idea of human souls receiving infinite punishment for something they did during a finite amount of time feels very wrong. No matter how bad it was, everything changes and dissapears. You cannot walk into the same river twice. By defeating the previous champion the protagonist restores dynamism and cyclical nature to the world. Birth and death become nothing more than a repeating cycle rolling towards Nirvana, the Overman, the Parkour Champion, whatever you call it.

Day in the life of a parkour noob.

Minecraft Parkour Civilisation teaches that chierarchy is not bad in itself, only that it can become corrupted due to actions of bad actors. If this happens, one shouldn’t reject this iron law nature out of resentment, but restore it. Throw out the old degenerated elites and begin the cycle anew, healthy and purified. Parkour Civilisation is a leftist’s worst nightmare beacuse he counsciously or not knows that in any logical chierarchy he would be the noob. He projects his communist views onto Evbo beacuse a piece of media featuring castes that isn’t a thinly veiled metaphor for “those at the top le bad!” is beyond imagination for him. If I had the setup I would make this into a vessay and post it to youtube as an experiment.

With its themes the movie could almost be a modern myth. While reading comments makes me lose my faith in humanity, remembering that a minecraft youtuber out of nowhere produced this gem makes me regain it. It is a fresh breath of air carried by winds from the future. In the words of Nietzsche, Evbo is a herald of the lightning and a heavy drop from the cloud; and this lightning is called overman.

HH o/ and remember to

always go for the beef.